We all remember it, right... Super Bowl XXXVIII half time. Honestly, I can't even remember who was playing in it that year, but I do remember that Justin Timberlake and Janet Jackson were the half time show.
At the end of their performance, JT reaches over and tears off a piece of JJ's costume, revealing (for about one nanosecond) a little "shield" of circling lights underneath her clothes... oh yeah, and over a certain part of her body not considered decent for showing on tv. Ahem... We'll leave it at that... mostly.
The "malfunction" which many people thought to be mostly in JJ & JT's brains, immediately resulted in a widespread debate called "Nipplegate". (Thank you Richard Nixon for providing the fodder for every future conspiracy since your wiretapping at the Watergate Hotel.)
Y'all know how this heavily debated issue turned out, right?
CBS was fined $550,000 for an indecency penalty (a veritable tap on the wrist for CBS), which they had the nerve to challenge since, apparently, there was this little clause in their contracts allowing for "fleeting indecency on the airwaves". They claimed that the wardrobe "malfunction" was "unintentional"... because, you know, Janet Jackson always just happens to wear flashing nipple rings under her clothes... because it makes her feel confident in public or something. It must be one of those: "Ha ha on you; I know something that you don't know!" sort of issues... (kind of like picturing your audience in their underwear so that they’re the ones who should be self-conscious and not you).
Eventually, (after paying court costs roughly ten thousand times the amount of the penalty) the entire fine was dismissed... But I digress!
So, today we had our first ever Stake Conference in our brand new stake building, which just happens to be in the proverbial shadow of our brand new Kansas City Temple! Are we excited about that?
Oh Yeah!
We arrived very early so that we could claim the best seats in the house (Um, that would be the ones at the extreme back of the gym up on the stage... right behind the curtain!). Being the mother in the family, that was the chair I set claim to... right behind the edge of the curtain.
I did this because I believe in setting a stellar good example for my children. Ahem…
So, we sat through half an hour of waiting for the meeting to begin and then the first half hour services for the building dedication, after which they, mercifully, let us stand up and stretch for 3 or 4 nanoseconds before starting the actual stake conference.
Now, anyone who knows me at all, knows that I can't sit still for more than about 5 minutes. I think I have adult onset ADHD or something. Maybe it's autism, or maybe I'm just mentally retarded, like my older brothers used to "affectionately" try to convince me during my tender growing up years.
Whatever the case, I can not sit still! Threaten me with death, go ahead, it doesn't matter. I will never be able to sit still. From their earliest days, little LDS children are taught to fold their arms and walk reverently in and out of church.
Pashaw! I don't think so! I've always encourage my children to skip merrily through the halls of church, mainly because it gives me the excuse of running after them, looking as though I'm sort of, kind of, at least trying to slow them down.
Sitting still just isn't one of my talents.
I do, however, have a few tricks up my sleeve to help out with the incessant wiggling and constant struggle of trying not to stand up in church and start jumping over the benches, yelling “yee haw!”
These tricks generally involve crossword puzzles or a book of Sudoku. I don't care if anyone really believes it or not, but it does actually help me to sit – relatively - still... and even listen (the mission prez and stake prez's talks were my favorites).
So, after THREE SOLID HOURS of torturous sitting up on the stage, not even mildly trying to hide my book of crossword puzzles... or my new phone which has these utterly awesome Sudoku puzzles that light up in red if you get the number wrong, which is great... because if you just happen to be in the mood for a totally brain dead game, you can just go through each number on each empty square until you get it right...
Oh, but I digress, again...
So, after THREE SOLID HOURS of TORTUROUS sitting, I stood to leave, tugged on my dress to pull it into the general vicinity of where it should be and...
“Rrrrrriiiiiiiiiipppppp”!!!
Oh my gosh!
Yep, Janet Jackson style, my dress ripped open right across my chest, baring my white under glory for all to see.
Thankfully, I had a few more layers of clothing between the top of my "costume malfunction" and the bottom... and no, no flashing rings of light to draw attention to it. Not today anyway. Still, I was pretty horrified.
I showed it to Kam, trying to underscore the reasoning behind fleeing the premises as quickly as possible but, being the teenager he is, he wanted to stay and “socialize… just a little bit”.
“No. We need to leave, now.”
“Pahleeeeeaaaaazzzzzeeeee,” he pleads. “Just a teeny little bit?” [holds up fingers with three eighths inch of space between them, hopeful smile spread across his face].
“No; um… in case you didn’t notice, my dress is all ripped. I’m kind of exposed here. We need to go, now!”
“Pahllleeeeeaaaaazzzzzeeeee,” he pleads again.
Oh geeze, I swear, I’m the words easiest pushover.
“Fine! ONE minute and no more.”
There was nothing left to do. My body shield was insisting on flirting with the girls instead of hiding my shame, and I still had to make it out to the truck.
So, I did something I don’t think I’ve ever done in my entire life…
There, in the shadow of the new temple spires, I folded my arms across my chest and walked “reverently” out of church.
My bishop would have been so proud.
And that, my friends, is the story of my very own Sabbath “costume malfunction”.
And the demise of my second favorite dress… which bit the dust just months after my first favorite dress.
Why do the best clothes have to wear out? Blast! I just don't get it. I only had that dress for maybe ten years... that's all... well, maybe twelve... but no more. Sheesh!
