Today, I went down to the Department of Revenue at our county seat and renewed my driver's license.
This was my third (3rd) attempt.
The first time I went was on my birthday (October 15), which was also the day it was due to expire. I took all the items that have been required in the past:
1. My old (valid) Driver's License.
2. A piece of mail showing that I live at the address on my D.L.
3. My Social Security Card, and...
4. 2 years worth of receipts for my paid county taxes.
It took a while to actually gather all this stuff, but I paid due diligence in doing so. The courthouse is a good drive away in another town and I don't particularly care to make that trip multiple times.
Once there, I was (finally) waited on by some lady who told me that I needed my birth certificate. When I moaned over that declaration, she smiled, said it was a new law and promptly gave me a 2 month extension, informing me that it would allow plenty of time to secure the necessary papers.
Ugh!
I came home, put my SS card in my desk for safe keeping and immediately began frantically searching all through the file cabinet and then the fire safe for my birth certificate. Where was that !@#$%*! birth certificate. I know I had it at one point. We had just gone to Mexico 4 years ago and I had to have it for that... surely it was somewhere... only where?!?
Unfortunately, they were no where to be found.
Next, I called the state of California and got a recording stating that the number was no longer in service.
Oh, California - why does that not surprise me?
I then called roughly 972 other phone numbers before finally getting a surprising cheerful recording at the Los Angeles County department of vital records. After pushing several buttons, listening to recordings for each and waiting on hold for an exorbitant amount of time, another recording came on, informing me that all I needed to do was to come on into the office with a stealthy list of items I could use as proof of identification and, for $20, they would be happy to provide an official copy of my birth certificate.
This would be lovely... if the office wasn't 1,621.92 miles further than I felt I could drive that day.
I called yet a few more numbers and found from another recording that if I printed out several forms (to be found at a mystical site SOMEWHERE on line), filled them ALL out, THEN went to a notary public where I present all the identification possible, that I could also secure (for the bargain price of $20) a valid birth certificate mailed directly to my home.
Lucky me! I was beginning to consider how easy it would be for someone to do just that... someone who wasn't me. Clearly, it is sometimes easier to be illegal.
Calmly hanging up the phone (slamming it onto the receiver), I began randomly muttering angry oaths. Making that many pointless phone calls for that many hours in one day can do that to a person. Those stupid recordings won't even argue back when you fling insults at them and call them names.
The nerve!
There was only one honorable thing left to do... I put it out of my mind and decided that I would think about it "tomorrow".
****
7 weeks later, as I began to cool off over the whole affair... AND as the extension deadline began to draw inconveniently near, I decided there was no longer time to apply on line. Once again, I would just have to search the house.
I started with the afore mentioned file cabinet and went through EVERY SINGLE PIECE OF PAPER in the entire unit. Nothing. Several loooonnnnng hours later, after hauling off the 30 gallon bag of TRASH resulting from that effort, I confirmed that we had stored far too many needless papers in the file cabinet and, furthermore, unfortunately, my birth certificate was truly NOT among them.
I then searched my desk. Nothing.
I checked through every page of several years of journals hoping that, just maybe, I'd put it in one of them for safe keeping... nope, nothing.
I was starting to get desperate, and so began bribing Kamaron to help. "If you can find my birth certificate, you can take two hours off your school work."
Being a few hours behind schedule, he agreed and commenced searching through junk drawers, dresser drawers and folder after folder of miscellaneous "stuff" on the library shelves.
Nothing.
Slumping defeatedly into a chair, I realized that the only thing tearing the house apart from top to bottom had produced was a big mess.
Clearly this was going to require more help than what was presently available, so... lacking any other resources, I decided to pray. Not 2 minutes later, Kamaron had the bright idea to check one last, obscure place.
Sure enough! There it was, hiding under a pile of old check registers.
Of course! Where else would it be? Why, oh why didn't I think of that in the beginning?
I duly collected that wondrous document and headed back off to the Licensing office.
After waiting in line again... forever... I finally made it to the counter and was waited on by "Wade".
Wade just ran for county commissioner and won! (I even voted for him). Wade has been waiting on me for years and years as I've registered cars, paid taxes, renewed past licenses and taken children in for their permits.
Wade knows me!
"Aren't you missing something?" he asks as I pour my pile of documents out onto the desk.
"I think that would be quite impossible," I answer.
"Well," he informs me, "you're missing your social security card (oh yeah, safe in my desk...). Furthermore, your birth certificate has a name different from your driver's license. You'll need to also provide either the form that shows your name change, or your marriage license."
"Seriously?!?" I ask with all the incredulity that I can manage.
Wade just laughs: "Yes."
"But you KNOW me!"
"Sorry, it's the law."
I then resort to shameless bribery. "You know, Wade... I VOTED for YOU! Can't you just let this slide? You gave me my last driver's license; why isn't that good enough now? Surely, you can make an exception?"
You would have thought I was a federal examiner trying to trick him into compliance. Wade wouldn't budge. Finally, I gave up and left.
****
Today, the final day of my extension, I thought I would try again. I gathered up my birth certificate, Social Security card, old driver's license, car insurance policy, 2 years of paid county tax receipts, marriage license, a current piece of mail with my name and (matching) address on it, and then for good measure, to cover all possible bases, I included a lock of hair from 1961... before my last name was Woods, just in case the laws were now requiring DNA proof.
After the drive, yet another lengthy wait in line, and the bargain price of $20... I GOT MY DRIVER'S LICENSE RENEWED!!!
Seriously, sometimes I think it's just easier to be illegal.
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