Babies

Today, I'm writing in my blog solely because Savannah said she needs blogs to read. Otherwise, I would be attempting to tackle my infernal mile long list of things that really need to be done much more desperately.

However, first... I shall blog.

My topic for the day is "Babies".

When I was 15, I thought that if I didn't have a baby by the time I was 16, I was going to, quite literally, die from my unmet desires. I wanted a baby SO badly that I eventually even took up "babysitting" just to appease motherly pains... AND make a little bit of money to justify the activity to the rest of the world as actually being a job.

As a first job, I babysat "Danielle", who was, perhaps, the ugliest red-haired child I've ever seen in my life! Danielle would be around 34 years old by now and is probably a stunningly beautiful and successful woman... but back then (though I LOVE red hair) she was the ugliest baby I think I've ever seen.

When I was nearly 25 (yes, I DID survive my unmet desires that long!), I FINALLY got married and tried with all my might to have my own adorable baby. After a year without success, I went to a doctor (dragging along my poor husband to do the same). The result: We were told that we would probably never have any children. In fact, we were told that we had a 1 (one!) in 5 MILLION chance of EVER having a child.

1 out of 5,000,000... thank goodness there was still a chance! That was all I could think... at least there WAS still a chance. As fate, providence, luck or good fortune... or a miracle... would have it, after about 3 years, Clarke was born! He was the most amazing thing that had ever happened in all my life. My every thought, desire and purpose revolved around his little 9 lb self! He was my miracle baby! He was the center of my entire universe! He was the most incredible, adorable and perfect little baby I had ever, ever, ever seen in my 27 years of earthly existence. I wanted to give him everything that I could, be everything that I could for him and love him as much as my immortal soul could manage.

Yeah...

Three months later, I was seized upon with a case of the flu that just wouldn't seem to clear up. At first (after I discovered it was actually the Egyptian virus... you know, the one that turns you into a mummy), I was actually disappointed. I wanted to give much more solitary time to my firstborn. I was worried that he wouldn't get the attention he deserved.

Ha ha ha ha.

Had I only known all those months, that it was Savannah who was coming, I would have been jumping for joy! When they placed that sweet, little girl in my arms, the LOVE was incredible. There we were, just the two of us in a hospital bed in the middle of the night, surrounded in an aura of love! I could feel the love permeating from her little 8 lb self, like a tangible, incredible aura of warmth. It was enough to make the entire world around us disappear! I knew she was someone so special who somehow loved me almost as much as I loved her. Somehow I didn't worry about giving her the attention that she "deserved". I would come to find out that she would be quite adept at managing to get a fair share of it on her own.

After a 4 year baby drought, Barry was finally born. I had always wanted to grow up and marry a farmer, live on a farm and raise my dozen or so children in that wonderful environment. While fate didn't deliver a farmer husband, it was kind enough to deliver to me a farmer son. When he was two years old, Barry announced that he wanted a tractor for Christmas. I went out and spent way over my gift budget to buy him a Little Tykes peddling tractor and trailer. It was adorable! On Christmas eve, I snuck it under the tree and on Christmas morning I rushed downstairs to see his face when he saw it. His response made me laugh out loud. Admidst enormous disappointment, he cried out: "No, Mommy! I wanted a REAL tractor!" :o)

Yep, that's my boy!

After another 4 year drought and too many continuous infertility treatments to count, Kamaron was born. He was my smallest baby, 7 lbs 15 oz. Similarly to Savannah, he oozed with cuddliness and love. He was wonderful and content and so snuggly. Just to hear my voice in the middle of the night was enough to calm him. He has always been my most content child - at least so far.

I loved being a mother. Nothing else in my life has come close to the ultimate love and joy I've felt for each of those babies! I put all I had into being the best mom that I could be for them, always trying to give them whatever I could manage, whatever I would have wanted as a child myself from a perfectly loving mother.

It wasn't enough... I suppose it never is, but it was all I could do. I was happiest just loving them and seeing their happiness in return.

It never really changes. Your greatest happiness still comes from the times when you can make them supremely happy. You wish that you could "fix" their every little discomfort or take away anything that will cause them heartache, disappointment or pain... but you can't, and it's not meant to be any other way. They would never be able to grow and learn the eternal qualities they need to learn to make it back to God otherwise.

Still, when they are babies, you can do it all. Yeah, you're really tired... all the time... but you are the center of their universe. You can pretty much fix anything and everything that they need.

I used to go through a mantra of questions whenever they fussed: "Hot? Cold? Hungry? Wet? Tired? Sick? Bored?" etc... until I landed on what the problem was... and I'd fix it. Then we'd sit in the rocking chair and I would hold them and love them, sing to them , read to them or make up stories to tell them. I would feed them, cuddle them and kiss them all over their cherubic little faces and necks. Their needs were, by comparison to today, so easy to meet.

Most of all, besides loving to love them, I think I loved being the center of their adoring universe. It was so lovely to be the center of someone's universe.

And so, today, I just kind of miss my babies. It's one of those times in the collective cosmos of your life that you know will never be repeated. Never again will you be able to curl up in a chair with such a beautiful gift from God and have absolutely nothing more worthy to do than to shower all of your love on them as you nurture them and let them grow.

It's a wonderful life. I'm really glad I got to be a mom. It was the greatest gift of all.